Tundra and Duane on a hike
I’ve told numerous doctors numerous times if it wasn’t for my dog “Tundra” I would kill myself. I write this to share with others in similar situations and as a healing process for myself.
I couldn’t leave him behind uncertain that he would be taken care of and receive the Love he deserves for being an Angel in my life.
Despite years and years of complaining to Doctors of chronic horrifying nightmares night after night several times a night they kept saying nothing is wrong, you can work.
Every night is the same, lay awake, toss and turn in pain all night, finally fall asleep to be tormented and terrified by soul draining nightmares. Wake up feeling like a fleet of logging trucks had run over me.
The pain would continue all day every day and move about my body with debilitating results. At times I could barely walk 1/2 a block before I would need to take a rest.
A break through of sorts happened over a decade ago when a Doctor suggested it might just be that I am that small percent of the human population that is super highly sensitive and intuitive.
He asked me if I snore and well I hadn’t heard myself so I said no. Then one night a friend slept over on the couch and in the morning they said my snoring startled them awake.
With this information the Doctor hooked me up with the Sleep Disorder Clinic at the University of British Columbia (UBC). What they found was I stop breathing every night up to 300 times and had severe sleep apnea.
I was relieved and frustrated as I have been telling family Doctors since I was a child something’s just not right here and they would just look at me with a blank face. I got accused of being a hypochondriac.
Tell that to a young person brought to their knees by the pain of horrible chronic migraines. I felt like Linda Blair in the Exorcist and don’t wish ‘em on anyone.
As more of my life went down the tube, I just couldn’t shake the health issues, despite immersing myself in modern Spiritual studies and mental health practices.
I suffered a lot of nasty bullying from certain BC Ferries managers and my previous employers. Their insurance company Doctors refused to accept that my health conditions affected my ability to work. And work refused a modified job description that would take into account my severe pain.
That resulted in me loosing employee disability coverage, despite being a total wreck health wise. Then I lost my job with them, then my house, and eventually was on the brink of homeless and bankruptcy.
Needless to say but worth repeating it continued the downhill spiral. According to recent news coverage bullying is rampant in the government. I could have told them that years ago!
I had been going to a therapist who was trying to help me through all of this until one day they said our sessions were over. It felt like my heart was ripped out and triggered my abandonment issues again.
I languished and stewed in severe to critical depression for several years more trying to keep my Spirit going by being of service to the community through photography and social media.
Still nothing was working, every day the same old same old. I felt like a broken record and couldn’t figure out why despite my best efforts I just could not get it together in life.
When I lost a part time job with a community newspaper, the only thing that kept me treading through life coupled with my dog Tundra dying a few months afterward I found myself go on a happy manic I can do anything, I’m superman upswing.
My close family and friends held their breath. So did I… The one friend who kept me here on this planet had passed on.
Despite my best efforts to engage myself in activities it wasn’t long before I crashed head first into sever critical depression. The high now was a deep abysmal low.
I laid on my couch alone for over a year and a half.
I tried to go for a walk every day, which sometimes turned into 3 long manic walks a day. I was finding it extremely difficult to be in public though as I no longer could conceal my true self anymore. I was miserable and couldn’t keep up the happy facade.
People didn’t want to hear about it though. Most said they didn’t want to be around any negativity. Told me to be happy that will solve all your problems!
“Are you going to get a new dog? I thought the newspaper said you left for a new job; Why are you still here? A new dog is just what you need! If you just think positive
GET OVER IT!!”
I felt like concrete, a zombie, and often would have dizzy spells on the trails or just feel like such a dead weight I just wanted to sit down and die right there.
I remember that feeling when I was in elementary school and had migraines so bad. I still recall on one of my walks home I just wanted to sit down and die on the side of the road. I skipped a lot of high school from it too.
I could see that despite a year and half of not drinking things were going from worse to critical if you know what I mean. So finally I forced myself to once again seek help from a Psychiatrist I had heard excellent feedback about, even though I was jaded and devastated by Doctors, Therapists, WCB, and Great West Life Insurance.
Turns out after lots of tears and some digging, the Psychiatrist pointed out the obvious that all the other Doctors failed to do for the past decade plus.
I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD or PTS), complicated by chronic pain caused by fibromyalgia, sleep apnea, anxiety, depression, add to that recently diagnosed bi-polar, and a spin cycle with chronically traumatic life circumstances at work, home and play.
When I look back, I noticed that as an adopted only child, my closest friends were always my pets. I wasn’t liked to much by a lot of other kids, I lived in fear everyday at school and home, and mostly spent my time being creative with puppet shows, jaws rides, magic shows, variety shows, making movies, singing and dancing… These I would perform for the local neighbourhood.
Yes pets have been there all my life to share their incredible healing companionship. There was my first dog in Gibsons, a German Sheppard named Kaiai who would sit on me when I was a toddler if I went to close to the road near Dougal Park.
When we moved to Ladner, BC, there was my first cat named “Mouse” a gray and white tabby. When he passed away I was so heartbroken my parents got me “Tigger” an orange and white tabby kitten who took a shining to my grandmother’s cockerpoo “Tammy.”
After my grandmother had a heart attack, her and Tammy came to live with us. Tammy had just finished a litter of pups which we gave away when Tigger the kitten came and they adopted each other. She took me in when my parents were divorcing during grade 4 and would later die from cancer.
For years afterward the now full grown cat would nurse on the dog in my bed! Kitten teeth led to full grown cat teeth that would elicit the occasion YIKES by Tammy LOL But they loved each other and I loved them.
Tammy had epilepsy so many a night I would lay awake by her side putting a blanket on her comforting her through the convulsions. Turns out my late partner also would suffer from epilepsy and it was that one fatal night that ended up with a 911 call and that was it.
My mom’s cat “Mitsy” a lost stray that found a home with us also joined the clan, and of course me being sensitive to abandonment had a place in my heart as did several ferrets I took an interest to raising.
All these special wonderful animal Spirits in my life were there for me during my parents troubled relationship and divorce and when I was chronically bullied at school.
I couldn’t win either way. Life was hell at school and at home.
Then as I grew older I was hit one after the other by abandonment, the tragic loss of caregivers, friends and two partners, my job, home and health.
No wonder I was a mess!
It was Tundra who gave me companionship and love over the last decade. He got me to leave the house and get out in nature and go for walks, where I found beauty and solace through the eye of the Universe with photography.
He was a warm hug in a lonely life. Someone I could care for and love as I was engulfed in despair.
The thoughts of suicide were rampant, I just kept telling myself that I couldn’t abandon Tundra too! I know what that feels like. So I just held on tight day after day, year after year, trying to be of kind service to others and our community while hiding and disguising in public a personal life of turmoil every day.
Yes, dogs really can save your life! You have to meet them halfway though.
VIDEO
I did try to do something positive for the community and started a memorial fund to help raise money to install dog friendly drinking fountains to get us off of plastic bottled water..
The response was luke warm which broke my heart and made me feel even more hopeless and like shit. I love to help the community and was disillusioned by the lack of support.
Duane Burnett shows off one of the dog and people friendly drinking water fountains being installed at Mission Point Park in Sechelt, on the Sunshine Coast BC.
Thankfully the District of Sechelt got something going as part of their sustainability initiatives and they graciously included Tundra in the project.
The truth is I had been making plans a month before the 2nd anniversary of his death. Talked myself out of it. Called in some friends for help, so I’m still kinda here though. This post is to help me reach out to others and work myself through it.
Instead I just visited with him and tidied up his graveside at Clayton Park. Picked up all the litter and put back the rock circle that had been tossed away.
I had hoped to do a bit of tree trimming where people have made a makeshift trail but don’t have a chainsaw or saw. The bench has proven to be a popular little sitting area with its big flat couch sized square stone in the shade. Graciously dug and placed by my Uncles’ backhoe.
How is it a dog can have such an impact on one’s life?
I thank Tundra everyday for being an Angel during such dark turmoil in my life. He had a great wonderful life in possibly one of the best regions for dogs full of waterfalls and hiking trails on the coast. I call it a “Dog’s Disneyland”… Miss him tons! <3
Tundra artwork portrait by Jason Pratt
I know that baring my soul will open me to a lot of ridicule and scorn but deeper then that help shed light on others struggling with mental illness although it’s very scary for me to be so open. Yes I struggle each day and do my best to shine a light on our wonderful community!
Last night, as I wrote this, it was a beautiful star lit night, car windows were down on my drive during the day, the air is fresh and I lit a candle by his photo ♥ almost just like the night he passed away 2 years ago, when we enjoyed a bonfire drum circle together under a clean fresh starlit night, a ride home windows rolled down before he passed away looking deep into my eyes with me by his side as he gasped his last breath and died.
RIP Tundra
http://www.duaneburnett.com/tundras-drinking-fountain-fund
Duane and Tundra when he was just a young pup
Has a pet helped you in life?
I’d like to hear from you! : D Duane Burnett
Lana Gail Phelps writes “Hell yes dogs can save your life!!!! So many dogs have died protecting their family from danger. They can sense when people are going to have a seizure, they sniff out bombs, drugs, they lead the blind…dogs are AWESOME!!!!”
Elaine Tweats Hunter writes “nteresting but having been close to many loving, loyal, kind dogs I would say yes, they can save your life, they know when you are feeling off your game. Awwwww we sure miss them when they have to leave us but you and I know how they stay with us forever.”
Tammy Saigeon writes “So weird you would be doing this blog . It’s coming up a year since we lost or dear friend Casey Jones AKA Diggy Dog . February 4th, 2011. I can say without hesitation she saved a few lives in her day. Her obituary is on my wall under notes.
When someone was sick she would not leave their side this in fact saved my sister while she was expecting my now 5year old niece. She refused to leave my sisters side . There were other times too. She was truly a remarkable creature that is dearly missed in our family .So I’m delighted that you will be adding “can a dog really save your life” in your new blog
Shayleen LePage writes ” I watch Animal Miracles every morning at 6:00Tannia Bentley writes “My parents dog DID save my life! I wouldn’t be here today if he wasn’t around. THANK YOU JAKE! I owe you my life.”Jeffrey Paleczny writes “Yeah – no question – many examples out there. From direct (saved by barking dog house on fire) to indirect (companion, get ya out walking every day, hospital friends dog etc.)”
You continue each day to give back to your community and country with a warm spirit. I learn so much from you and your posts. Tundra was a true friend. We have a cat that is about 15 years old now. He has moved in with my mother and makes her life have purpose. Being a cat, things are always on his terms, but he knows when she needs a lap friend and sleeps next to her on his own pillow each night. Yes, pets bring a lot of good into our lives. – Margy
Duane, your life and mine parallel each other! I sure would like to meet you! As for people saying “get over it”, we would never say get over it to a Holocaust survivor, so we should not say it to anyone, ever! Take care and pets are so wonderful they love you unconditionally and they love you more than they love themselves! Are you in a relationship now? I am very lucky to have met the most wonderful man that understands the PTSD, depression, anxiety, fibromyalgia, agorophobia, etc., etc.! He, Brent and I have been together for 18 years!! We have a great dog, named Racer that we treat as our son! He keeps me going too! Take care buddy!
What a great article! I commend u for putting ur story out there Duane, I dont think anyone would ridicule u for doing so, it means to me that ur making progress and realizing that thru all that you can make a better life for yourself by realizing that life can be hard, but that old saying what dosentt killu makes u stronger, u are proof of that, keep on fighting, i want u in my life my friend. And yes dogs can save lives, but more important they make our lives..by giving us unconditional love and we can all use more of that! Xoxo <3